Already Behind Schedule

Apologies for my recent absence; also I apologize in advance for this post--it is probably an extended self-indulgent wallow in thesis worries.



This Friday, I missed my first self-imposed deadline for completing thesis chapters. Admittedly, I have built in some slack to my schedule, but it feels like a stressfully inauspicious start. I've been suffering from really low productivity for the past two weeks; it is all very frustrating. I can't seem to make myself work. It doesn't help that these are the most annoying chapters--background and literature search.

Another whammy was meeting with my advisor, to go over my thesis plan: he pointed out that it's quite unlikely I will have time to do the full scope of simulations that I had planned. That was a bit of an unpleasant surprise to me. Yes, I realize that even without any simulation, it will be better than some Master's theses that have come out of this group, but I still have a lot of pride of ownership here.

I originally wanted to take a break around Thanksgiving to visit Boston, but I'm wondering if I will be able to spare the time for that. I already have a week earmarked for a trip for my advisor's consulting company at the end of the month. I'm also beating myself up for not putting more thesis work in over this summer.... but seeing people in Boston, Denver, and San Francisco was definitely worth it.

I am back to the emotional state I feel during classes--stressed and guilt-ridden about watching an hour of TV, reading for fun, thinking of ways to finish off my bicycle cargo cart, or, um, blogging. I oscillate between being relaxed and extremely worried; it makes me question my psychological stability... er... continue to question, I guess. I don't know if I can take this continuously for another four months. I considered drinking heavily last night, but after the first shot of vodka, I just figured it wasn't worth the effort.

I realize that I should concentrate on being productive during the week, then have some designated relaxation time over the weekend. Instead, I am currently being unproductive most of the week (at least on thesis writing, as opposed to research), and then trying to catch up by working (unproductively) through the weekend.

I feel particularly glum about the situation for probably for two reasons. First there's a pronounced mismatch with the environment around me right now. It is the beginning of term, so people are pretty relaxed and having a good time. I run into weekend partyers, barhopping down the street, while I am headed back and forth to lab, and stressing about writing (or not writing, in this case). Second, the weather has turned cooler, which I generally like, but it adds to the seasonal shift towards winter and deadlines.

However, on a more optimistic note, if I can buckle down and finish off this chapter by the end of this week, I'm pretty sure I can get the next chapter done faster, and then I'll be back on schedule.