Furniture Shopping

After getting all of my boxes unpacked and furniture assembled, I realized that my living room layout really needs another table (to hold up a reading lamp next to my chair). I take pride in having gotten rid of my milk crates years ago (considering I’ve been out of school for ten years, it would be pretty embarrassing for it to be otherwise).

So… I realized that I needed to do what many guys dread: Go Buy Furniture (despite having left various pieces behind in New York and Cambridge). The other constraint is that I actually have an aesthetic plan for that room (kinda modernist direction: black cloth, black laminate, maple/birch wood, and steel)—made the job more of a challenge.

First stop was a Canadian chain home furnishings store (“HomeSense”)—they leaned more towards frilly, brown wood, furniture—stuff that would work in your grandmother’s living room. I then swung by the local Home Depot (in the adjacent strip mall)—thought they might have some random black steel grille end table.. no dice. Although I did consider that a 3” steel pipe with a flange and some plywood might work… but probably not the thing for that room.

Next, I went to a Pier One that I passed by on the way. I have to say that if I walk into a store, and the first thing I notice is how it smells, I probably won’t buy stuff there (okay, there’s the porn shop, but.. oh wait.. never mind). Anyway, the smell at Pier One is, no doubt, the scent that Pier One Corporate sends out to all the branches: you must make your store smell like this overpowering mix of scented candles. And as I expected, it was, again, brown frilly stuff. Did a rapid circuit of the store and exited.

Finally, in desperation, I stopped by the “Décor and Fabric Superstore,” in hopes that they might have furniture. A limited selection (again, brown frilly stuff)—and after a minute in the store, I realized that I actually was the *only* man in the entire place (okay, at least it wasn’t as bad as the creepy feeling I got when I went into a Victoria’s Secret—-but that’s another story). In the “Décor and Fabric Superstore,” I felt any semblance of heterosexuality rapidly draining from my body. I knew I had to get out of there before words escaped from my mouth like, “Darling, this chenille just has a FABulous drape, doesn’t it?”

Incidentally, for those of you who haven’t seen it, there was an article in the Globe and Mail about the “Just Gay Enough” Man (“The perfect guy: smart, manly, makes great cookies.”) Very amusing (and insightful).

Anyway. An Ikea run will be conducted soon (two equidistant Ikeas in the Greater Toronto Area). Yes, you can make fun of me turning into Edward Norton’s character in “Fight Club.” In the meanwhile, I’m using a 22 gallon Rubbermaid container as my end table. So there.