Temporary Insanity (i.e., “To PhD, or not to PhD?”)

Warning: pretty long post; not very funny.

I recently discovered that I am not completely dismissing the idea of switching from the Masters’ (MASc) program to the PhD program here at the University of Waterloo. Given my unpleasant past experiences with higher education, this was a shock to me as well. I have not yet broached subject with my advisor and chief grad student; I intend to bounce this off of them when I get back to Waterloo.

Arguments for attempting to become ‘Dr. Bats’:

• Opportunity: I doubt I will ever take this type of break from my working career again—it is unlikely I would return to the work force and then voluntarily surrender my income to go back to graduate school a second time. So if I was ever planning to get a PhD, this is the most sane time in my life to do so—especially given my lack of a mortgage or personal attachments. I’ve already made the “base investment” of how much I’ve already disrupted my life— leaving my job; moving out of Boston; moving my stuff to New York; establishing a new residence in Canada; building a kitchen that I can deal with.
  
• Confluence of research projects: it turns out that there are two other field monitoring sites that will nicely complement the project that I am using for my thesis (interior basement insulation setups). I don’t think that I could do that experimental setup or collected data justice in the remaining 1.5 years I have left for a Master’s degree. It does seem like serendipity is telling me I should do this.
  
• Logistics: In terms of how much more time I’d have to spend here, it’s not too crazy: I can switch over from the MASc program to the PhD program directly. My required number of classes goes up from four classes to seven, and two are done. Not sure how many years it will take: my best bet is four or five (total), but might be quicker if I push harder.
  
• Finances: In terms of expenses and tuition, I’m ok—my parents are gladly funding my grad school career. Considering my sister did two Masters’ degrees and a law degree, I think it’s fair, even with my taking six years to finish MIT. Admittedly, this means a few more years with my overall assets increasing at, oh, whatever rate the stock market is doing.
  
• Learning experience: I’ve realized that my time at UW is from half to one-third over: I’ve finished half my required classes, and have been here for 2 of my 6 semesters. I’ve learned a fair amount, but it doesn’t feel like I’ve gained that large of a fraction of my ‘knowledge goal.’ Also, I have heard some disparaging things about Master’s theses: my advisor jokingly described it as “writing down a few random thoughts.” Despite the hyperbole, there’s some truth to it: some Master’s theses seemed a little underwhelming. I’d like to differentiate myself from that crowd. Whether that’s by doing a kick-ass MASc or a PhD is another question.
  
• Position in the lab: chief grad student once described that ideally, there should be a PhD student in every graduate group providing some longer-term leadership and guidance. I wouldn’t mind doing that role for a few years—it seems like my advisor is way too busy to deal with the day-to-day running of the group and its research activities.
  
• Outside influences: It seems like everybody would be ecstatic if I went for the PhD: my former boss/mentor, my advisor, chief grad student, and my mom. When I was originally headed to UW, my mentor pulled me aside and told me that it would really help my advisor to graduate a PhD student from his group, since he has not done one yet. He told me that it would need to be really kick-ass, and that he thought I was the one to do it. I was very flattered by his assessment… but I’m not quite sure I’m up to the task.
  
• Career: Although I have few direct reasons for needing a doctorate to advance my career (see below), I have to admit that it definitely wouldn’t hurt.
  
• One-liners: Since my thesis is going to be on interior basement insulation, I will be able to say that, loosely, I got a doctorate in knowing my ass from a hole in the ground.
  
• Social/happiness: I’ve gotten used to life in Waterloo—like I said, it’s home, at least for now. Walking around uptown feels comfortable and reassuring. As I have said before, my social life is mostly limited to the people in my grad group. However, I have to admit that it’s a tight group, and it’s cool to be in this intellectual environment that is focused on building science. In opposition though, my rosy outlook might be unduly influenced by the lack of classes and the fact that my breath isn’t freezing in my moustache when I’m outside. Conversely, I seem to get to visit Boston, the Bay Area, and other friends relatively often.
  

And the non-damaged (anti-PhD) portion of my brain comes back with:

• Opportunity: Just because it is a “now or never” situation, I shouldn’t forget that “never” is still a viable option.
  
• Classes: I live in fear of classes, despite the fact that I’ve done well so far, and the second semester didn’t kick my ass nearly as badly as the first one. I worry about the difficulty of future classes (“Finite element? Holy crap… that involves math again, doesn’t it?”), as well as whether or not I can find useful and appropriate ones. Building Science is lumped into Civil Engineering, but there’s not a huge overlap. I wouldn’t have any reason to take a water resources, structural, or soils class; I’m already going outside of UW (to the University of Toronto) to find classes that will develop me in my field.
  
• Thesis: Without even worrying about the daunting task of writing a PhD dissertation, I worry whether my project is even conceptually good enough: does/will it actually break new ground and add anything useful to the field?
  
• Can I do it? I’m not just talking about smartness, but the motivation and willingness to work that hard and passionately for that long on a given topic. For instance, instead of spending my idle time reading Case Study 2: Design Guidelines for Internally Insulated Basement Walls, I’m agonizing over a blog post. My undergrad life at MIT was a case study of facing a monstrous workload with minimal motivation: “Just why am I going through all this pain?” (thus my dropping out, and taking six years to finish).
  
• Comprehensives: I’m terrified at the very concept. I would need to take them by my fourth semester; I am not sure just what they would cover. If they are going to be on a broad range of Civil Engineering topics (e.g., structural), there’s no way I’m going to do it.
  
• Social: One of the biggest kickers is that I will be away from Boston (and my circle of friends) for a few more years than planned. Whenever I come back, I remember what it is like to be part of a vibrant and active social circle.
  
• Ivory tower ossification: I am worried about spending even more time out of the work force. It’s not just the income factor, but also missing out on field work, working on real buildings, interacting with builders, developing contacts, etc. Admittedly, my group is well connected to the real world—they run a consulting company, and I have done several monitoring projects as a subcontractor while at school.
  
• The need: in career terms, I don’t have any specific goals that require getting a doctorate. I have no interest in going into academia; expert witness work sounds like a quick path to a lucrative burnout. I doubt I would try to run a national laboratory, or be a sole independent consultant (which I could do with or without a doctorate). Admittedly, it certainly wouldn’t hurt my career--PhDs still eminently employable as practicing engineers in this field (as opposed to being priced out of the market). But if you asked me what my career ambition is, I’d answer, “retire young, get a truck full of tools, and drive it around the country fixing my friends’ houses.”
  
• The want: As I mentioned in “Outside influences,” going for a PhD would make a lot of people happy, but will it make me happy? Is this getting me somewhere I want to be? Am I passionate about this? Do I want it enough that I could keep up years of “laser-like focus” on finishing a thesis?
  
• Babes: My advisor informs me “chicks dig it.” Sounds like a load of crap to me. On the other hand, my guy PhD friends have managed to marry some seriously amazing and lovely women. Don’t think it’s causal relationship, though.
  

As I try to analyze my motives, I can’t figure out if I really want to do it, and am trying to force myself into the decision not to, or vice versa. It would all be easier if somehow the decision were “made for me” in some way—e.g., an obvious reason to defer going back to the work force for a few more years, a definite pressing need for a doctorate to advance, or dating somebody who is finishing in four or five years (okay, I didn’t say anything about the likelihood of these reasons). Many decisions and directions in my life have been made through serendipity, such as finding the job at my old company, and thus the direction for my career. Going to graduate school in the first place was close to serendipitous: some excellent opportunities simply presented themselves, and I took advantage of them.